Giving up a toxicity addiction

I know I want to be loved and cared for more than anything in this world. This is a fact and I can be logical about it all day long.

I can say affirmations and mediate. I can complete shadow work and integrate my shadow side. I can recognize my trauma and accept my flaws.

However, walking away from past is the most difficult challenge I have ever faced. This is the crossroads between my true growth and stagnation.

Let me explain, once you've ascended past karmic debts and partnerships real love typically starts to seem appealing. "Before me" found nice guys boring and didn't settle into relationships with them. She wanted excitement and drama. I have matured past this stage.

I am still struggling with the toxicity addiction that comes with my past though. I remember what it's like to date the dangerous, passionate bad boy who kept me on my toes. What will my life be like being married to an accountant with no alcohol or drug habit? What will we talk about?

Will my future husband be down to shotgun beers, push me up against a wall and kiss me like the last molecule of oxygen on earth resides on my tongue? I'm not sure. Will my future husband suggest we take a tab of LSD and ride rollercoasters together as our date night? I used to be sure I'd marry someone who would. I'd never been more sure about anything in my life.

I do know that my future husband won't make me guess about where I stand in his life. He won't take me for granted. I will feel safe with him. Right now, that's enough to keep my fears at bay. Perhaps I will get lucky.